In the last year I've written a few short monologues for one off events here in NYC, and I thought I'd post them here and update this should I write others.
If you end up using them, shoot me a note! Would love to know about it.
1. Skippy's Confession
My mom and my dad sit there, right, on top of the hill behind my childhood home and the sunset is so fucking perfect.
And they look into each other's eyes, her brown eyes into his, warming each other’s bodies, piercing each other’s souls
And they both smile.
They grin at each other with a joy that’s so deep it like ripples through each of them, from their wrinkly skin down to the atomic level!
And I mean I'm there, right, I'm watching it, down at the bottom of the hill,
And like I HAVE to call out, just to be funny, you know, I’m like “HEY! Fuck yeah, mom and dad! GET IT!”
But they don’t hear me...
Because the next minute like...my mom’s toes start to grow.
Like her actual toes get longer and darker and harder and then my moms toes start actually burrowing. into the earth.
And I’m like “whoa!” but for some reason they’re not bothered by it? They don’t even notice?
And in that same fucking moment my dad’s head starts sprouting like a million leaves,
green and orange and yellow, just like all the perfect fall colors but as leaves, and taking the place of my father's hair,
Like if that was me, I'd be like “oh no! Am I becoming a fucking tree right now? Because that's not okay, I have life goals even though right now I'm living at home!”
But my parents’ smiles just get bigger!
And then their arms, which are wrapped around each other, get thicker and barky and fuse together, and then their legs, feet, heads, all of them start melding together into this singular wooden tree thing with NO SPACE!
Seriously, none, like my mom and dad aren’t going to be able to have drinks with friends, or even a quiet minute alone in the bathroom or like even EVEN be able to close their eyes while the other is talking and go to a happy place...
So for their sake, Amy, in that moment, I realize I gotta put aside my burgeoning stand up comedy career and join my parents so they don’t become a magical tree creature alone.
I run up the hill, and as their bodies twist and sharp jutting woods shoots out of their backs, I push my hands into the trunk, which does nothing, I lean my knee into the base, which does NOTHING, I reach my hands into the new branches to have them pull me along, but still the branches grow upward without me, still the trunk expands pushing me backwards, still my parents slip further and further away...
I leap at the tree! I kick it! I run against the trunk and fall over and run against it again shouting...“Please don't go! Please! I’m 32 and I didn't finish my master’s degree in psychology and I can't swim or drive or cook a whole turkey and I don’t like anybody in the whole world except for you guys!”
Yeah, no, I definitely say “I don’t like anybody in the whole world except for you guys, and Amy!”
But as my parents’ wrinkly faces fade away into the smooth bark of that double parent tree, they never stop smiling. Not once. They don’t even look at me...
So Amy, I guess what I'm saying is:
I don't know that I can move in with you right now.
Like I have to do my own taxes.
And figure out where to go for Christmas.
And...I just...you know...what we have together feels like magic and I'm scared and...
Amy? AMY! AMY, STOP, DON’T GO!
AMY, I LOVE YOU, LET’S BE A TREE TOGETHER!
2. A Ceiling with the Spark of Life
POPE JULIA II
You know...I just.... I don't know, Michelangelo. I don't...get it. So...what are they doing exactly? Is that like a weird finger handshake? I mean, yeah, it's the gift of life, God to Adam, I get it, I'm the pope- but if it were me, and it's not me, but if it were, I would at least paint them...holding each other. You know? “And God formed Adam from the dust of the earth and breathed into Adam's nostrils the breath of life.” How is she supposed to breathe life into Adam's nostrils from all the way over there? Have you ever breathed into someone's nostrils, Michelangelo? Or have them breathe into yours? It's so awkward. Don't do it. It's the kind of thing you only do when have no idea what feels good on a body. But like, maybe, maybe the nostril thing is what God was all about in the beginning. You know? Maybe she was all alone all this time in the dark, in the universe, with no one else, and so Adam was truly her first. So of course God is going to blow into his nostrils! Of course she is going to be like, “oh, oh, this is hot, this is how Adam wants it, PSSSSSSSSH...Oh. Did that feel weird?” God was nervous! She never did this before! THAT'S what's missing, Michelangelo. No one is afraid on this ceiling! And some scary shit is going down! God is taking a HUGE risk on us! God is trusting us with all her favorite shit, like rivers and gorillas and almonds! It's so intimate for God! Just like me saying “Paint the ceiling of my chapel.”, that's intimate. For me, it's the most intimate thing. See, I'm the pope. I speak to people, I touch their hand, I feel their souls, but in some ways, I'm just like God in the beginning. I mean God knew Adam, okay, but then she knew Eve and then she knew Cain and then she knew Moses and Miriam and Mary. So when God got to the Trinity, mmmm, I think everybody knew what they were doing. Me- I've only known God. I'll only ever know God. And some days, that is really enough. And some days, for all the souls I've saved, for all the wars my papal army has won, I need someone to come and paint. the ceiling. of my chapel. So, Michelangelo, go wild! Don't be safe up there, be afraid with me here! I have let you into my holy sanctum. Now paint me a ceiling with the spark of life.